It's really amazing how quickly the body heals. Within a week of having Olivia most of the physical wounds were gone. It's like my body forgot it had a baby.
Physically, I'm mostly fine. I've been struggling with anemia since the seventh month of my pregnancy and then with the massive blood loss I suffered I'm still not back on track. I've been on pills since then and got an infusion of a gram of iron at the end of March. Did some bloodwork last week and although it's better it's still low, so something is still not right.
Emotionally....meh. It's really up and down; I expect it will be that way for a long, long time. Some days I'm fine, some days something I'm not expecting just knocks me down for the count. This could mean tears, this could mean full-blown sobbing, it could mean irrational anger. Or a combination thereof.
I'm really struggling these days with jealousy and anger towards women that have babies or are pregnant. It's not all the time - sometimes it's totally okay - but sometimes I just get so angry, and my head and heart just fill up with all of those WHYs again. Why us? Why her? But I know there is no answer to this.
I see my husband really get angry when he sees people taking it for granted - seeing a kid hanging out of a stroller, or outside without proper clothing in the cold, bitching about having to wake up for a crying child, etc. All those things we take for granted and we don't even realize it. If there can be the slimmest of tarnished silver linings in all of this, it really has made me look at my priorities - really appreciating those true gifts in my life and caring less about the things that don't matter. I simply don't have the emotional capacity to do that anymore. Besides, she's more important than any of that crap anyway.
All we can do is go one day at a time. This Saturday it will be five months....it seems like five years and five days and five minutes, all simultaneously.
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