Ugh.

It was one of those days where I was trolling through Facebook and kept seeing pictures of people with their newborns.  ugh.  I am jealous.  I am angry.  I am heartbroken.  I have baby fever like crazy but know that it won't bring Olive back.

School is right around the corner, and that is simultaneously good and bad.  Good because it's a distraction, good because work = money, good because on most levels I enjoy what I do.  Bad because I have to be back in the thick of it again, with clueless people and freaking children with babies; bad because it's the land of firsts again.  The first fall since I was pregnant with Olivia.

As my husband would say, I has a sad.  But I think I always will in some way.  That IS our normal.

I miss when things were easier.  When I didn't have a dead baby.  When I wasn't concerned about my marriage.  When there wasn't a sheet over the crib.  When it seemed like everything was right in the world.

But.

I'd rather have this than no Olive at all.  Because she was ours, the best parts of us.  This is horrible, no doubt, but it's horrible because we would have done anything for her.  And I am SO glad we went for that.  We may be in a lot of pain, but we are better people because of her.

God, I love and miss her so much.

Start and stop.

I think I've started and deleted blog entries approximately 12 times this past week.

Nothing really major; I just didn't know what to say.  I look at this blog as therapy, but sometimes the thought of delving into it and opening up some wounds to figure out some stuff is just difficult.....easier to just avoid.

I'm dealing with a sinus infection and I got food poisoning this week....good times.  J. has been taking good care of me.  We're doing pretty well - still dealing with some of the fallout of the drama, but we're doing good.  Just have to keep talking - I have to encourage him to talk more about when he's unhappy.  And we're getting there.

The student of mine that had a baby girl same day we lost Olivia?  Well, I made the mistake of not hiding him on Facebook, and she crawled for the first time yesterday.  That sent me into a tailspin.  All of these firsts we haven't gotten to experience....all of these moments that SHE didn't get to experience.  It sucks.  It sucks SO MUCH.

We're half-heartedly trying to get pregnant - meaning, we're not stressing.  Just enjoying each other and if that's a happy by-product, excellent.

Sigh.

Thankful Tuesdays #3

Today, I'm thankful for my marriage.  It's really been through the ringer this year, but I know it's going to be stronger than ever.

This blog is about surviving, right?

And we are.

There has been much crying, and talking, and discussing, and compromising.  And this is good.  I love my husband so much, and I know this isn't him, isn't us, and this relationship is so much bigger than what I know will be a blip on the radar in the long run.  Olivia, of course, will probably remain one of the biggest spikes ever.  As she should.

Stumbled upon Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope today.  I shared it with J., and there was much crying.  But this is a part of the healing.  Maybe at some point we'll submit our story - he's a much better writer than me.

We're coming up on 8 months this weekend.  We're still dealing with firsts, though - first summer since I was pregnant, remembering planning for the school year while being pregnant with Olive, hoping that she'd cooperate and decide to come out after finals in December.  Oh, my sweet Olivia.

Anyhoo.  We've hit a rough patch but I know we're stronger than it.

And...a new wrinkle.

I knew my husband wasn't handling the grieving process well, but I didn't know how much he was hiding from me.

I deleted some details here.  Basically, he's had some inappropriate contact with some women.
I don't know what to do. I'm so angry, so sad, so upset, but I also know that this isn't him. When he told me he was just quiet while I blew up, but when I asked him a few pointed questions later, he broke down and all of this stuff came out.   How he feels inadequate, some things in our marriage he's not been happy about....all of this stuff.

He has an appointment to go see a therapist Monday. There's been lots of screaming and yelling and hugging and crying, and I know we'll get through this.  I'm hurt, but I know this isn't him.  And, frankly, it could have been a lot worse.

Fuck.