One year.

I don't even know what to say today.

I just think about things like:
-the fact that everything we have for her she would have outgrown
-how unbelievably amazing our doctor and most of the nurses were (and still are)
-the outpouring of love from our friends and family
-that I desperately, savagely miss her
-that she will ALWAYS be a part of our lives
-that I hope and pray she can watch over her little brother or sister

I am so grateful of the time we had with her, and so pissed that we didn't get more.

Baby girl, I love you so much.

Friends.

I lurk on a lot of BL blogs, and there seems to be common feelings of disconnect from old friends - that many of us have friends that don't really know how to handle our grief, and then just give us some more space.

Any of you feel like you've actually cut people off?

I feel I have.  It's hard for me to return calls to a lot of people.  There's a specific group of our friends - a bunch of guys that I've been friends with for over ten years - that I really have removed myself from.  Why?  I don't exactly know.  One of them had a baby this past summer, so that doesn't help.  But I just sort of cut myself off.

We usually get together with these guys over the holidays, and I'm dreading the email.  Maybe it will never come.  That's a distinct possibility.

And then I got a Facebook message from a girl I went to grad school with - we haven't really kept in touch.  But she sent me a note saying she'd been praying for me all year and knew that this would be a tough week and that I was in her thoughts, which was really sweet.  I had just mentioned to J a few days ago that I wondered how many of our friends would remember, if any would call, or send us a note, or something.  So that made me teary and grateful all at the same time.

I am so glad this is a short week, and I am SO GLAD we are both off on Wednesday.  It's going to be hard.

Bad blogger.

I am, in fact, a terrible blogger.  This is okay.

So I'm pregnant.  13w1d to be exact.

It's been a terrifying last couple of weeks.  Every cramp, every pain, every time I had to go to the bathroom I was freaking out.  Because why should anything go right?

I think I'm finally past the waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop phase, though.  At least I hope so.  My mom said it best - this is a new life, and we're just doing what we promised - having a little brother or sister for Olivia.

It's hard to be excited when I miss her so much.  It's difficult to reconcile in my brain.  I mean, having another baby doesn't take anything away from her - my brain knows this.  But my heart has to learn it over and over again.

I know things could still go wrong.  I know anything could happen.  And I'm not okay with that, but it's not something I can really avoid.  It is what it is.

Olive was Spatula Bernadine in the womb.  This little one is Tupperware Buttercup, or Tuppy Butt for short.

I'm so grateful our doctor is who he is - really down to earth, really nice, and just a good man.  I will never be able to repay for the kindness and empathy he showed and continues to show us.

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We're coming up on one year.  Next week, actually.  Just thinking that everything we had for her she would have grown out of already....wow.  And how different our lives should be, and how different they are, but not nearly in the same way we thought.  I'm just glad we're off from school that day so we can just be home and grieve in private.

I just wish she was here.