Is that what I think it is?

This is the blog entry that never ends; I've started and stopped a billion entries.  So here's one really long one.

12/17
We had a ultrasound at a maternal fetal specialist on Tuesday - our regular doc just wanted to be safe and have us check in with someone else to see if they had any other ideas of what precautions we should be taking.

So, the tech was doing all of the measurements, and J. asked her if we could "see any junk."  Lawd.  So she tried to look, and we got a big ol' shot of a penis.

So, yes, it's a boy.  And we're very excited.

But.

I've been crying a lot the last few days.  I sort of expected this.

I'm excited for him.  But I don't miss her any less.

12/25

Lost it at church this morning.  At Olivia's memorial service, we played Angels we have heard on high, and they sang it today.  I'd already been a little emotional, but thought I could keep it together.  And then that started and I was done.  DONE.

I've been up and down a whole bunch.  I keep asking J if this is more than normal, if I should be worried, if I need to get into therapy.  But he keeps reassuring me - and he's right - that I was like this with Olivia too.  I was a wreck off and on until I could feel her kicking.  Of course, everything has different weight, different reasons, different sources this time, but the timing is about the same.

The holidays are hard.  I keep thinking about how she'd be, seeing little girls around her age and having to turn away.

1/1

It's a new year.

I'm still out of town for the holidays, but am thinking more and more about having to go through the nursery and all of Olivia's things.  It's going to suck.  A LOT.  I'm going to need at least a day for that - the actual sorting and the aftermath.

I wish I knew how to do this.

It's 1/1/11, and, according to my sad little counter, it's been 1 year, 1 week, 1 month and 1 day since we lost her.  Huh.

One year.

I don't even know what to say today.

I just think about things like:
-the fact that everything we have for her she would have outgrown
-how unbelievably amazing our doctor and most of the nurses were (and still are)
-the outpouring of love from our friends and family
-that I desperately, savagely miss her
-that she will ALWAYS be a part of our lives
-that I hope and pray she can watch over her little brother or sister

I am so grateful of the time we had with her, and so pissed that we didn't get more.

Baby girl, I love you so much.

Hanging on.

Super busy week - singing a gig with Seraphic Fire that's been pretty vocally taxing.  I was already woundede when I got down here so trying to do the best I can on less cylinders than I'm used to.

Sitting at a Starbucks on Miami Beach right now and there are a MILLION babies here.  It's getting easier, though.  It's easier for me to look at the babies as a mom-to-be who's trying to get pregnant and less as a mom who lost her baby.  Not all of the time - hell, if there's anything I've learned in this last year, there's exceptions to every rule - but I'm getting there.

Just found out one of my sort-of cousins (step-cousin, technically) is pregnant with triplets.  Egads.  But things have been sketchy - they're not sure one of them is going to make it.  We're not close, and me contacting her out of the blue I think would be weird.  But I'm thinking about her and those three wee ones, and hoping everything goes okay for them.

I've been really busy with teaching this fall - have lots of students and am teaching a few classes.  Getting paid crap, of course, because I'm an adjunct, but what can you do.  It's a job in my field, and I'm grateful for that.

Sigh.  Life is hard.  I used to say that and thought I knew what that meant.

Ten months.

I hate these month posts.

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I haven't been moved to write as of late.  Life at school has been crazily busy, and that's taking a lot of my time.

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Another BFN last week.  But I'm still without AF, which is really frustrating.  I've never been irregular in my entire life, and have been since the pregnancy.  Makes it a lot more difficult to plan when I'm ovulating.

At the same time, I hate that I'm doing that.  I hate that I'm obsessing, and worrying.  We didn't have a problem getting pregnant before - only took four months!  But I'm doing it.  I'm thinking about it all the time, planning on when we should try, and that's not very fun.  I mean, really.

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Really happy for my buddy CurlsOFred for her pregnancy, though.  She's gonna be my role model. :)

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Family wedding last weekend where a 10-month-old boy was the ringbearer.  My niece, one of the flower girls, pulled him up on a big two-seater wagon.  The minute I saw it I knew Olivia would've been there and been a flower girl, and it just made me hurt.  All of these family things that she should be experiencing and that we should be experiencing with her.  This sucks so much.

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I'm already thinking about what to say to my students when I get pregnant again.  I said I was obsessing, right?  I mean, there's a whole new class of students this fall who have no idea what we went through last year.  And I feel like I need to prep them, but also prep myself so I don't get the inevitable "is this your first baby?"

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Miss you, Olive.  Every day.  We're learning to survive and thrive without you here physically, and have both grown separately and together so much in this last year.  We'd trade any of it to get you back, though.

Love you.

Thankful Tuesdays #5

I'm thankful for my dad.

Our car is old, and slowly, slowly dying.  And this past week he called us up to ask us some questions about some things that were going wrong, and he ordered a whole bunch of parts for us online and talked to a repair guy in town.  This embarrasses us somewhat, but, at the same time, he knows WAY more about cars than we do.

He was a rock when Olivia died, for all of us.  He was hurting too, and wasn't afraid to show that, and help us anyway he could.

We don't always agree - we couldn't be further apart on the political spectrum - but he's my dad, and he's awesome.

And....back again.

Sorry.  It's been a nutso couple of weeks.

The brother is doing very well - actually out of the hospital today, three days after surgery.  They got all of the tumor; we're still waiting to hear what kind of tumor it is and that will determine what the next course of action will be.

I've been having some rough days.  Being in the hospital with him has been really tough.  Neither of his rooms were near L&D, but it was still so similar.  The smell.  The beeps.  The way he looked.  I've cried a lot this week, and that's really sucked.  Also had my first BFN test - actually two, after AF was two weeks late.  Sigh.

One day at a time.

And how my world has changed in the last few weeks.

Let's see:

Miami and Mexico were great.  Beautiful, some great sight-seeing, lots of great singing, only some limited drama from the college kids.  Although I think the powers that be wouldn't say "limited" drama....but that's a different story.

May 24 was our six month "anniversary."  I feel like I say this every month, but it feels simultaneously like so long ago and like it was yesterday.  We've had some pretty bad down days the last week or so.  Damn you, poignant TV.

The biggest, worst news, though, is that on May 26 my brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor.

J. is a total jock - we couldn't be more different - and started noticing some problems with his left leg about a month ago.  Three doctors and three MRIs later, they discovered a 3 cm long tumor in his brain.  Pretty scary shit.  We're all pretty freaked out and, seriously, someone up there must think we can handle a whole lot of crap, because this family has really had a bad streak as of late.

He goes in for surgery on June 15th.  So now I'm heading to Miami on the 6th for a gig, then directly to Wisconsin on the 14th, then back home on the 19th and out again for three weeks on the 21st.  It's going to be crazy, but I really wanted to be home.  For him, for my parents, for me, and for her - to support the uncle she never got to know.

Expletive.

I love my mom.

She sent me a card and a candle this week - where in the world does she find these cards?  Apparently Hallmark has a grieving mother's day line.  Leave it to my mama.  But the candle is beautiful - I always talk about lighting a candle to remember our Olive, and it's perfect for that.

I really love all of the moms in my life - my own mom, all of my amazing aunts, my grandmas, my friends.  Each one of them helps me every day, whether they realize it or not.  They give me strength.

I'm really dreading this weekend, but I'll be traveling most of the day Sunday, so that's probably good.  I can just put on headphones and block out the world on that five-hour flight.  Ugh.  I'm heading to Miami and then Mexico to sing with Seraphic Fire.  I'm excited, but, as always, worried about leaving my better half for two weeks.  It's training, though, because I'll be gone for a three week gig later this summer.