Hanging on.

Super busy week - singing a gig with Seraphic Fire that's been pretty vocally taxing.  I was already woundede when I got down here so trying to do the best I can on less cylinders than I'm used to.

Sitting at a Starbucks on Miami Beach right now and there are a MILLION babies here.  It's getting easier, though.  It's easier for me to look at the babies as a mom-to-be who's trying to get pregnant and less as a mom who lost her baby.  Not all of the time - hell, if there's anything I've learned in this last year, there's exceptions to every rule - but I'm getting there.

Just found out one of my sort-of cousins (step-cousin, technically) is pregnant with triplets.  Egads.  But things have been sketchy - they're not sure one of them is going to make it.  We're not close, and me contacting her out of the blue I think would be weird.  But I'm thinking about her and those three wee ones, and hoping everything goes okay for them.

I've been really busy with teaching this fall - have lots of students and am teaching a few classes.  Getting paid crap, of course, because I'm an adjunct, but what can you do.  It's a job in my field, and I'm grateful for that.

Sigh.  Life is hard.  I used to say that and thought I knew what that meant.

On singing

So, after we lost Olivia, I didn't even want to think about singing.  It's so connected to who I am, to my soul, to my heart, to my center, and all of those were turned upside down when Olivia died.

But, eventually, I had to.  It's my job.  And it was hard, very hard.  I cried a lot.

But now I'm singing the best I have in years.  And you know why?  Honestly, after we lost Olivia, I stopped caring.  I stopped worrying about singing, stopped over-analyzing, stopped being concerned about what other people thought.  Because it wasn't worth it anymore, wasn't worth the stress.  I guess my priorities are permanently altered.

I also have someone else to sing for, too.  And I give that to her every time I open my mouth.

The world is trying to test me.

You know how to make a 5-hour flight longer?  Put a seven-month-old baby behind me.  Who laughs, cries, and smells like baby.  Every time she cried, I cried.  It was horrible and wonderful and awful.

I'm also back at a gig - this time singing with Oregon Bach Festival.  This is good.  And I have some very good friends here, including a couple who had their daughter a week after we lost Olivia.  And she's coming.  I have known about this, and I've been able to prepare, but how do you prepare, really?  I just emailed K. and said that I was excited and terrified, and didn't know how I would react, but I'm sure it will involve tears, and that I hoped we could do it in private for the first time.

But I did get to see my husband today, and this was good.  We'd had an ongoing fight this past week - and we NEVER fight - about something stupid, and finally resolved it last night, which was good.  Plus I just missed him.  Now eleven days and I get to see him for four whole days.  Woohoo. :)

Now must unpack and go to sleep.  I'll be seeing all sorts of people tomorrow, most of whom I haven't seen in a year, and I'm sure there will be tears.  Lots of them.  Tears of sadness, of gratitude, of love and friendship, but tears nonetheless.

I love my mom.

She sent me a card and a candle this week - where in the world does she find these cards?  Apparently Hallmark has a grieving mother's day line.  Leave it to my mama.  But the candle is beautiful - I always talk about lighting a candle to remember our Olive, and it's perfect for that.

I really love all of the moms in my life - my own mom, all of my amazing aunts, my grandmas, my friends.  Each one of them helps me every day, whether they realize it or not.  They give me strength.

I'm really dreading this weekend, but I'll be traveling most of the day Sunday, so that's probably good.  I can just put on headphones and block out the world on that five-hour flight.  Ugh.  I'm heading to Miami and then Mexico to sing with Seraphic Fire.  I'm excited, but, as always, worried about leaving my better half for two weeks.  It's training, though, because I'll be gone for a three week gig later this summer.