Problem?

We had an ultrasound last week, and our doctor called us the next day and said that the amniotic fluid level is on the high side of normal.  No "worries" yet, but any ounce of concern is freaking me out.

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16 months this past week.

My thoughts of Olivia are so much closer to the surface now - tears come pretty quickly.  They don't stick around, but they come quickly.  It's like I'm expecting an ending, not a beginning with Tuppy.  And that's horrid.  But that's all I know.

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Tentative plans are an induction on May 5.  I'll be 37w1d, 8 days past what I was when Olivia died.  I'm excited and terrified.

I'm afraid to buy stuff.  It's cheaper to buy diapers on Amazon if you set up regular delivery, but I'm afraid to assume we'll need them.

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Twice a week non stress tests (NSTs) and once a week fluid checks start this week.  Here we go.  Again.

Can you fault me for not being optimistic?

15 months, L&D #2, and other happenings

Last week was 15 months.  15 months since my daughter died, three months until my son is due.  Yeah.

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We hit up L&D again last weekend.  Everything's good; we just have to chill.  I mean, they didn't say that.  They said we can come by anytime we want - our doc and the whole L&D wing is the shit.

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Failed my one-hour glucose test last week.  Luckily, the 3-hour was fine.  Well, fine in that it was horrid, gross, yucky, exhausting, but I passed, so I'll take it. :)

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Starting to buy some clothes and things for Tuppy.  There's part of me, though, that still doesn't totally believe that this is happening.

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It's getting harder and harder to imagine what life would be like with Olivia.  And that sucks.

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I'm really, really tired.  But my schedule at work will lighten up a little bit this week until the end of the semester, so I'm hoping that will help.

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My husband is the shit.

L&D #1

We went to labor and delivery last night.

Everything is fine, but I didn't feel Tuppy for about 4 hours, and started freaking out.  It's early, and the periods of me not feeling him are going to happen - he's still pretty little - but that's what happened when we lost Olivia, so J. called and we went in last night.  Everything is fine; he was actually kicking in there but I wasn't feeling it, so we're good.

Note to self and to other people: when someone is telling you about how they were upset, even if it was over nothing, you telling them about how others' lives are sucking doesn't make the original person feel any better.  I mean, what is that?  Believe me, I'm grateful nothing is wrong.  Now you're just making me feel guilty about it.

Sigh.

Still here. Still waiting.

14 months was a couple of days ago.  I don't think I cried the day of, but I had a hard day yesterday.  I wish I understood grieving.  I know it's never going to end, but I wish I could prepare myself for the slaps.

I'm 23 weeks with Tuppy this week.  Still not a ton of kicking, but it took a long while with Olivia too.  Still a long way to go.

I'm having a difficult time reconciling everything.  I don't feel like I'm really giving Tuppy the same attention and excitement that I gave Olivia.  That makes me feel guilty.  But then I start thinking more about him, and then I feel guilty for not thinking about Olivia as much.  How does this work?  How do I continue to honor her memory and keep her a vibrant part of our lives but still "move on" with my life?

As I'm starting to show more/talking about the pregnancy more with strangers, I always get asked the inevitable, "Is this your first pregnancy?"  It makes me wince inwardly every time, but I always say sort of, and then I explain about Olivia.  I'm able to do that now without losing it and without invoking too much detail and, if anything, then people leave me alone.  You know, stay away from the tainted woman with the dead baby.  Or whatever.

One of my best friends is two weeks behind me in this pregnancy.  She had a miscarriage almost 5 years ago now, and they have a three-year-old daughter, who is so excited for her little brother.  That kills me a bit, too.  I am so happy for them - and god knows they've dealt with loss too - but it still kills me a bit.

I keep saying to people that I won't fully exhale until Tuppy is crying in my arms.  But then what happens?

Is that what I think it is?

This is the blog entry that never ends; I've started and stopped a billion entries.  So here's one really long one.

12/17
We had a ultrasound at a maternal fetal specialist on Tuesday - our regular doc just wanted to be safe and have us check in with someone else to see if they had any other ideas of what precautions we should be taking.

So, the tech was doing all of the measurements, and J. asked her if we could "see any junk."  Lawd.  So she tried to look, and we got a big ol' shot of a penis.

So, yes, it's a boy.  And we're very excited.

But.

I've been crying a lot the last few days.  I sort of expected this.

I'm excited for him.  But I don't miss her any less.

12/25

Lost it at church this morning.  At Olivia's memorial service, we played Angels we have heard on high, and they sang it today.  I'd already been a little emotional, but thought I could keep it together.  And then that started and I was done.  DONE.

I've been up and down a whole bunch.  I keep asking J if this is more than normal, if I should be worried, if I need to get into therapy.  But he keeps reassuring me - and he's right - that I was like this with Olivia too.  I was a wreck off and on until I could feel her kicking.  Of course, everything has different weight, different reasons, different sources this time, but the timing is about the same.

The holidays are hard.  I keep thinking about how she'd be, seeing little girls around her age and having to turn away.

1/1

It's a new year.

I'm still out of town for the holidays, but am thinking more and more about having to go through the nursery and all of Olivia's things.  It's going to suck.  A LOT.  I'm going to need at least a day for that - the actual sorting and the aftermath.

I wish I knew how to do this.

It's 1/1/11, and, according to my sad little counter, it's been 1 year, 1 week, 1 month and 1 day since we lost her.  Huh.

Bad blogger.

I am, in fact, a terrible blogger.  This is okay.

So I'm pregnant.  13w1d to be exact.

It's been a terrifying last couple of weeks.  Every cramp, every pain, every time I had to go to the bathroom I was freaking out.  Because why should anything go right?

I think I'm finally past the waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop phase, though.  At least I hope so.  My mom said it best - this is a new life, and we're just doing what we promised - having a little brother or sister for Olivia.

It's hard to be excited when I miss her so much.  It's difficult to reconcile in my brain.  I mean, having another baby doesn't take anything away from her - my brain knows this.  But my heart has to learn it over and over again.

I know things could still go wrong.  I know anything could happen.  And I'm not okay with that, but it's not something I can really avoid.  It is what it is.

Olive was Spatula Bernadine in the womb.  This little one is Tupperware Buttercup, or Tuppy Butt for short.

I'm so grateful our doctor is who he is - really down to earth, really nice, and just a good man.  I will never be able to repay for the kindness and empathy he showed and continues to show us.

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We're coming up on one year.  Next week, actually.  Just thinking that everything we had for her she would have grown out of already....wow.  And how different our lives should be, and how different they are, but not nearly in the same way we thought.  I'm just glad we're off from school that day so we can just be home and grieve in private.

I just wish she was here.