Ugh.

It was one of those days where I was trolling through Facebook and kept seeing pictures of people with their newborns.  ugh.  I am jealous.  I am angry.  I am heartbroken.  I have baby fever like crazy but know that it won't bring Olive back.

School is right around the corner, and that is simultaneously good and bad.  Good because it's a distraction, good because work = money, good because on most levels I enjoy what I do.  Bad because I have to be back in the thick of it again, with clueless people and freaking children with babies; bad because it's the land of firsts again.  The first fall since I was pregnant with Olivia.

As my husband would say, I has a sad.  But I think I always will in some way.  That IS our normal.

I miss when things were easier.  When I didn't have a dead baby.  When I wasn't concerned about my marriage.  When there wasn't a sheet over the crib.  When it seemed like everything was right in the world.

But.

I'd rather have this than no Olive at all.  Because she was ours, the best parts of us.  This is horrible, no doubt, but it's horrible because we would have done anything for her.  And I am SO glad we went for that.  We may be in a lot of pain, but we are better people because of her.

God, I love and miss her so much.

Dealing with anger.

I had a moment a few days ago where I just got SO ANGRY at this whole situation.  I broke down crying - J and I were supposed to go grocery shopping, and I just lost it.  He left me at home and I just fell into bed and sobbed and punched and screamed.

That hasn't happened for awhile, and I don't know what brought it on.  But I'm doing better now.

As the school year gets closer and closer, it's things like that that worry me.  I mean, what if that happens, and I can't escape?

Sometimes I question whether or not I'm a strong enough person to deal with this.  But I'm writing this, and not crying.  And that makes me feel good.

Thankful Tuesdays #4

I am thankful for the INTERNETS.

I have found so much support this last year - during pregnancy, immediately afterward, and continuing.  It provides a way for my friends and family to keep bugging me even when I don't feel like answering the phone.  Facebook and Skype really work wonders.

This may seem trite, but, honestly, I cannot imagine going through what I've been through without it.

Start and stop.

I think I've started and deleted blog entries approximately 12 times this past week.

Nothing really major; I just didn't know what to say.  I look at this blog as therapy, but sometimes the thought of delving into it and opening up some wounds to figure out some stuff is just difficult.....easier to just avoid.

I'm dealing with a sinus infection and I got food poisoning this week....good times.  J. has been taking good care of me.  We're doing pretty well - still dealing with some of the fallout of the drama, but we're doing good.  Just have to keep talking - I have to encourage him to talk more about when he's unhappy.  And we're getting there.

The student of mine that had a baby girl same day we lost Olivia?  Well, I made the mistake of not hiding him on Facebook, and she crawled for the first time yesterday.  That sent me into a tailspin.  All of these firsts we haven't gotten to experience....all of these moments that SHE didn't get to experience.  It sucks.  It sucks SO MUCH.

We're half-heartedly trying to get pregnant - meaning, we're not stressing.  Just enjoying each other and if that's a happy by-product, excellent.

Sigh.

Eight months.

That's all I have to say about that.

Well, that's not entirely true, but my soul has already gotten its beating today.

Thankful Tuesdays #3

Today, I'm thankful for my marriage.  It's really been through the ringer this year, but I know it's going to be stronger than ever.

This blog is about surviving, right?

And we are.

There has been much crying, and talking, and discussing, and compromising.  And this is good.  I love my husband so much, and I know this isn't him, isn't us, and this relationship is so much bigger than what I know will be a blip on the radar in the long run.  Olivia, of course, will probably remain one of the biggest spikes ever.  As she should.

Stumbled upon Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope today.  I shared it with J., and there was much crying.  But this is a part of the healing.  Maybe at some point we'll submit our story - he's a much better writer than me.

We're coming up on 8 months this weekend.  We're still dealing with firsts, though - first summer since I was pregnant, remembering planning for the school year while being pregnant with Olive, hoping that she'd cooperate and decide to come out after finals in December.  Oh, my sweet Olivia.

Anyhoo.  We've hit a rough patch but I know we're stronger than it.

And...a new wrinkle.

I knew my husband wasn't handling the grieving process well, but I didn't know how much he was hiding from me.

I deleted some details here.  Basically, he's had some inappropriate contact with some women.
I don't know what to do. I'm so angry, so sad, so upset, but I also know that this isn't him. When he told me he was just quiet while I blew up, but when I asked him a few pointed questions later, he broke down and all of this stuff came out.   How he feels inadequate, some things in our marriage he's not been happy about....all of this stuff.

He has an appointment to go see a therapist Monday. There's been lots of screaming and yelling and hugging and crying, and I know we'll get through this.  I'm hurt, but I know this isn't him.  And, frankly, it could have been a lot worse.

Fuck.

Surviving.

My husband was here in Oregon this weekend...so good.  It was just good to finally get to spend a few days with him.

And we met our friends' baby this weekend.  It was sad, and I cried, but I also laughed, and smiled, and played.  She doesn't look like Olivia, she isn't Olivia, but it was still bittersweet.  I'm so grateful to K. and G. for being so amazingly open and honest and forgiving in all of this.

Tears are still on the surface quite a bit, but we've had a good bit of help this week.  One of my friends here is from Portland, and mentioned to a nurse friend of his who works with bereaved parents, and she sent him a bunch of stuff.  Lo and behold, his friend is Pat Schwiebert, the author of Tear Soup and some other things, and runs a program and website.  She sent a VERY sweet note and some books, including Tear Soup.  I cried, but it was good.

I'm here until July 12, but am already looking forward to going home....!!!

And now we're behind.

I wish I could explain all of the thoughts and feelings that rush through me when I find out a friend or student is pregnant.

I'm happy, sad, jealous, angry, wistful, and grieve all over again.  And that doesn't even begin to describe it.

One of my students is 12 weeks, and finally posted about it on Facebook.  I'm very happy for her and her husband - I know they'll be great parents - but my heart and soul just ache.

Is that ever going to stop?

I miss you, my sweet little girl.

On singing

So, after we lost Olivia, I didn't even want to think about singing.  It's so connected to who I am, to my soul, to my heart, to my center, and all of those were turned upside down when Olivia died.

But, eventually, I had to.  It's my job.  And it was hard, very hard.  I cried a lot.

But now I'm singing the best I have in years.  And you know why?  Honestly, after we lost Olivia, I stopped caring.  I stopped worrying about singing, stopped over-analyzing, stopped being concerned about what other people thought.  Because it wasn't worth it anymore, wasn't worth the stress.  I guess my priorities are permanently altered.

I also have someone else to sing for, too.  And I give that to her every time I open my mouth.

The world is trying to test me.

You know how to make a 5-hour flight longer?  Put a seven-month-old baby behind me.  Who laughs, cries, and smells like baby.  Every time she cried, I cried.  It was horrible and wonderful and awful.

I'm also back at a gig - this time singing with Oregon Bach Festival.  This is good.  And I have some very good friends here, including a couple who had their daughter a week after we lost Olivia.  And she's coming.  I have known about this, and I've been able to prepare, but how do you prepare, really?  I just emailed K. and said that I was excited and terrified, and didn't know how I would react, but I'm sure it will involve tears, and that I hoped we could do it in private for the first time.

But I did get to see my husband today, and this was good.  We'd had an ongoing fight this past week - and we NEVER fight - about something stupid, and finally resolved it last night, which was good.  Plus I just missed him.  Now eleven days and I get to see him for four whole days.  Woohoo. :)

Now must unpack and go to sleep.  I'll be seeing all sorts of people tomorrow, most of whom I haven't seen in a year, and I'm sure there will be tears.  Lots of them.  Tears of sadness, of gratitude, of love and friendship, but tears nonetheless.

And....back again.

Sorry.  It's been a nutso couple of weeks.

The brother is doing very well - actually out of the hospital today, three days after surgery.  They got all of the tumor; we're still waiting to hear what kind of tumor it is and that will determine what the next course of action will be.

I've been having some rough days.  Being in the hospital with him has been really tough.  Neither of his rooms were near L&D, but it was still so similar.  The smell.  The beeps.  The way he looked.  I've cried a lot this week, and that's really sucked.  Also had my first BFN test - actually two, after AF was two weeks late.  Sigh.

One day at a time.

Thankful Tuesdays #2

I am unbelievably thankful for my dorky,wonderful, supportive, smart, hilarious husband.  He is the reason I survive, the thing that wakes me up in the morning (literally and figuratively), and I am a better person because of him.  I know that sounds trite, but it's really true.  We love each other more than I ever thought was possible.

And how my world has changed in the last few weeks.

Let's see:

Miami and Mexico were great.  Beautiful, some great sight-seeing, lots of great singing, only some limited drama from the college kids.  Although I think the powers that be wouldn't say "limited" drama....but that's a different story.

May 24 was our six month "anniversary."  I feel like I say this every month, but it feels simultaneously like so long ago and like it was yesterday.  We've had some pretty bad down days the last week or so.  Damn you, poignant TV.

The biggest, worst news, though, is that on May 26 my brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor.

J. is a total jock - we couldn't be more different - and started noticing some problems with his left leg about a month ago.  Three doctors and three MRIs later, they discovered a 3 cm long tumor in his brain.  Pretty scary shit.  We're all pretty freaked out and, seriously, someone up there must think we can handle a whole lot of crap, because this family has really had a bad streak as of late.

He goes in for surgery on June 15th.  So now I'm heading to Miami on the 6th for a gig, then directly to Wisconsin on the 14th, then back home on the 19th and out again for three weeks on the 21st.  It's going to be crazy, but I really wanted to be home.  For him, for my parents, for me, and for her - to support the uncle she never got to know.

Expletive.

Good news!

I'm still anemic.  This is not the good news.

However, my hemoglobin levels are up over normal, so our OB/GYN gave us the thumbs up to try again.

I am so relieved.  We're not going to stress over it - no temperature taking/day counting nonsense.  It'll happen when it happens.  Hell, my mom doesn't call me fertile Myrtle for nothing. :)

Just a quick entry - have to get back to packing for two weeks.  In one suitcase.  Yikes.

I love my mom.

She sent me a card and a candle this week - where in the world does she find these cards?  Apparently Hallmark has a grieving mother's day line.  Leave it to my mama.  But the candle is beautiful - I always talk about lighting a candle to remember our Olive, and it's perfect for that.

I really love all of the moms in my life - my own mom, all of my amazing aunts, my grandmas, my friends.  Each one of them helps me every day, whether they realize it or not.  They give me strength.

I'm really dreading this weekend, but I'll be traveling most of the day Sunday, so that's probably good.  I can just put on headphones and block out the world on that five-hour flight.  Ugh.  I'm heading to Miami and then Mexico to sing with Seraphic Fire.  I'm excited, but, as always, worried about leaving my better half for two weeks.  It's training, though, because I'll be gone for a three week gig later this summer.

Thankful Tuesdays

I'm jumping on this bandwagon - I need some positive outlook time. :)

Things I'm thankful for:

1) My extended family.  My husband, my parents, my brother, my grandmothers, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my in-laws - I am so blessed with the most amazing supportive group of people who are my biggest champions.

2) My friends.  I am blessed with the most amazingly varied group of friends - ages, ethnicities, paths of life, from all over the world, many of whom I can call 24-7 to weep, to laugh, to drunk dial (although I haven't done that last one in years, lol).

3) My daughter.  I am so sad that we didn't get to spend more time together, but I am so thankful for the 8 months we had, and I know you're bringing your great-grandpas much joy in heaven.  May Grandpa G. always find ants in your pants and Grandpa S. tell you lots of Oley and Lena jokes - although I hope he hangs onto the inappropriate ones for awhile.

Everyone but us.

I remember a friend of mine making a comment last fall about how so many of her friends were pregnant.  I was one of them.

I can't seem to turn around on Facebook now without someone having a baby or getting pregnant or finding out they're having a little girl.  I've had to start hiding people - I don't begrudge anyone's happiness, it just makes me feel shittier about my lack of it, you know? 

I've had a really rough last couple of days.  Seems like I'm always teary, or snapping at my husband and then feeling terrible about it.  It was something really stupid yesterday - I snapped at him while we were shopping - and then he got really upset, and then I felt like such a bitch.  That's not me; that's not us.  We don't bicker.  But as we're dealing with the stress of all this it creeps in once in a while, and I hate it. 

It's like there's always this anger and unhappiness bubbling inside of me, and when we're busy, I can keep it at bay.  But when I give myself time to think about things - about how unfair this is, about how much I miss her - it just breaks me.  Sometimes it just kills me to look at him - she looked SO much like her daddy, so when he's sleeping or falling asleep or yawning I just see her and I want to crack. 

I'm not worried about us - he is the reason I survive, he is the reason that I can go on and keep living despite this.  But I HATE myself when because I feel shitty I cause him pain.  It's not fair.

Ugh. 

And....cue face slap.

I've had a insanely busy last couple of days - last concert of the semester, finals/juries, studio party last night - and I've had little time to breathe, let alone process anything.  And have been fine, right?  It's not like I forget, it just becomes not in the forefront.

And then this morning I was sitting here, benignly reading an article, and thinking about how I needed to get in for a lesson again.  I haven't seen this woman for over a year, and I'm not sure how much she knows, so I was thinking about the conversation I'd have to have with her: Well, I've had a pretty traumatic last twelve months.  I got pregnant in March of last year and our daughter was stillborn at 36 weeks in November.

And then I lost it.  DH is giving a final this morning, so it's just me here.  I went in the nursery and sat on the bed (there's a full bed in there), and grabbing the little photo album we have of all of her ultrasounds (and we had a billion).  I was teary, and then got to the last picture, the ultrasound shot of her one week before we lost her, that has a perfect shot of her gorgeous little nose and chin, and I just sobbed.  Sometimes I go in there and just talk to her, and today it was about how my life should be so different now and it's not, and how much I miss her, and how she'll always be my little girl. 

And then I rang the bell - one of my students grew up in Japan, and after Olivia died she gave us a rin (this small bowl-shaped bell) and zabuton (the cushion it sits on) - it's often used in Buddhist prayer and in memory of someone.  She told us that when we're feeling down, to go and ring the bell three times, letting the sound ring, and it's a way to find peace and connection to her soul.  I'm not Buddhist, but I do find comfort in it - it's just basically a form of meditation.  And then I just sat in the room and talked to her more and about how I have to make her daddy fix the painting job he did in there.  :)

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I also finally heard back from the internist this week - she wants me to double the iron dose I'm taking and then check back in three months.  THREE MONTHS.  Ugh.  I should have gotten AF last weekend and still nothing, but once I've completed that (that will be round 2) I'm going to call my OB-GYN and ask what we should do.  If he says we should wait until the anemia thing is better, then that's what we'll do, but argh.

Deep breaths, one day at a time.  That's all I can do.