I can't believe it's been that long. I was trying to imagine her at 11 months today....what she'd look like, what she'd be doing....and it's hard to even imagine. Yes, I know what typically babies do at that age. But what about Olivia.
Sigh.
After two weeks of not blogging you'd think I'd have more to say. But sometimes I just have no words.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Blissful ignorance.
I miss that a lot.
I miss looking at pregnancy with nothing but hope and excitement. Now those thoughts are tainted with fear, terror, dread, and worry. There's still hope and excitement, but the innocence is totally gone.
I had lots of worries last time - worries about previa, worries about fluid levels - and was pretty good about setting that stuff aside. Me worrying and being stressed couldn't change the outcome. But that kind of stuff will be so much harder this time - any twinge, any pain, ANYTHING is going to make me freak out.
I miss being ignorant.
---------------------
I have had sort of a sad weekend. I don't know why; maybe it's just because when I finally have true down time all of it comes out. When I'm busy, I can put aside how different my life should be right now. That there should be baby proof locks everywhere, that there should be cheerios crushed into the carpet, we should be worrying about if we have enough diapers left to get through the rest of the weekend. Instead I'm sitting here on the couch with a cup of coffee with the Packer game on in the background.
I started reading Carol Cirulli Lanham's book this weekend; I'm sure that's part of it. It's just ripping off the proverbial bandage.
---------------------
I hate that everything has a shadow on it. It's like an out-of-balance recipe.
I miss looking at pregnancy with nothing but hope and excitement. Now those thoughts are tainted with fear, terror, dread, and worry. There's still hope and excitement, but the innocence is totally gone.
I had lots of worries last time - worries about previa, worries about fluid levels - and was pretty good about setting that stuff aside. Me worrying and being stressed couldn't change the outcome. But that kind of stuff will be so much harder this time - any twinge, any pain, ANYTHING is going to make me freak out.
I miss being ignorant.
---------------------
I have had sort of a sad weekend. I don't know why; maybe it's just because when I finally have true down time all of it comes out. When I'm busy, I can put aside how different my life should be right now. That there should be baby proof locks everywhere, that there should be cheerios crushed into the carpet, we should be worrying about if we have enough diapers left to get through the rest of the weekend. Instead I'm sitting here on the couch with a cup of coffee with the Packer game on in the background.
I started reading Carol Cirulli Lanham's book this weekend; I'm sure that's part of it. It's just ripping off the proverbial bandage.
---------------------
I hate that everything has a shadow on it. It's like an out-of-balance recipe.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Hanging on.
Super busy week - singing a gig with Seraphic Fire that's been pretty vocally taxing. I was already woundede when I got down here so trying to do the best I can on less cylinders than I'm used to.
Sitting at a Starbucks on Miami Beach right now and there are a MILLION babies here. It's getting easier, though. It's easier for me to look at the babies as a mom-to-be who's trying to get pregnant and less as a mom who lost her baby. Not all of the time - hell, if there's anything I've learned in this last year, there's exceptions to every rule - but I'm getting there.
Just found out one of my sort-of cousins (step-cousin, technically) is pregnant with triplets. Egads. But things have been sketchy - they're not sure one of them is going to make it. We're not close, and me contacting her out of the blue I think would be weird. But I'm thinking about her and those three wee ones, and hoping everything goes okay for them.
I've been really busy with teaching this fall - have lots of students and am teaching a few classes. Getting paid crap, of course, because I'm an adjunct, but what can you do. It's a job in my field, and I'm grateful for that.
Sigh. Life is hard. I used to say that and thought I knew what that meant.
Sitting at a Starbucks on Miami Beach right now and there are a MILLION babies here. It's getting easier, though. It's easier for me to look at the babies as a mom-to-be who's trying to get pregnant and less as a mom who lost her baby. Not all of the time - hell, if there's anything I've learned in this last year, there's exceptions to every rule - but I'm getting there.
Just found out one of my sort-of cousins (step-cousin, technically) is pregnant with triplets. Egads. But things have been sketchy - they're not sure one of them is going to make it. We're not close, and me contacting her out of the blue I think would be weird. But I'm thinking about her and those three wee ones, and hoping everything goes okay for them.
I've been really busy with teaching this fall - have lots of students and am teaching a few classes. Getting paid crap, of course, because I'm an adjunct, but what can you do. It's a job in my field, and I'm grateful for that.
Sigh. Life is hard. I used to say that and thought I knew what that meant.
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