So, after we lost Olivia, I didn't even want to think about singing. It's so connected to who I am, to my soul, to my heart, to my center, and all of those were turned upside down when Olivia died.
But, eventually, I had to. It's my job. And it was hard, very hard. I cried a lot.
But now I'm singing the best I have in years. And you know why? Honestly, after we lost Olivia, I stopped caring. I stopped worrying about singing, stopped over-analyzing, stopped being concerned about what other people thought. Because it wasn't worth it anymore, wasn't worth the stress. I guess my priorities are permanently altered.
I also have someone else to sing for, too. And I give that to her every time I open my mouth.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
The world is trying to test me.
You know how to make a 5-hour flight longer? Put a seven-month-old baby behind me. Who laughs, cries, and smells like baby. Every time she cried, I cried. It was horrible and wonderful and awful.
I'm also back at a gig - this time singing with Oregon Bach Festival. This is good. And I have some very good friends here, including a couple who had their daughter a week after we lost Olivia. And she's coming. I have known about this, and I've been able to prepare, but how do you prepare, really? I just emailed K. and said that I was excited and terrified, and didn't know how I would react, but I'm sure it will involve tears, and that I hoped we could do it in private for the first time.
But I did get to see my husband today, and this was good. We'd had an ongoing fight this past week - and we NEVER fight - about something stupid, and finally resolved it last night, which was good. Plus I just missed him. Now eleven days and I get to see him for four whole days. Woohoo. :)
Now must unpack and go to sleep. I'll be seeing all sorts of people tomorrow, most of whom I haven't seen in a year, and I'm sure there will be tears. Lots of them. Tears of sadness, of gratitude, of love and friendship, but tears nonetheless.
I'm also back at a gig - this time singing with Oregon Bach Festival. This is good. And I have some very good friends here, including a couple who had their daughter a week after we lost Olivia. And she's coming. I have known about this, and I've been able to prepare, but how do you prepare, really? I just emailed K. and said that I was excited and terrified, and didn't know how I would react, but I'm sure it will involve tears, and that I hoped we could do it in private for the first time.
But I did get to see my husband today, and this was good. We'd had an ongoing fight this past week - and we NEVER fight - about something stupid, and finally resolved it last night, which was good. Plus I just missed him. Now eleven days and I get to see him for four whole days. Woohoo. :)
Now must unpack and go to sleep. I'll be seeing all sorts of people tomorrow, most of whom I haven't seen in a year, and I'm sure there will be tears. Lots of them. Tears of sadness, of gratitude, of love and friendship, but tears nonetheless.
Friday, June 18, 2010
And....back again.
Sorry. It's been a nutso couple of weeks.
The brother is doing very well - actually out of the hospital today, three days after surgery. They got all of the tumor; we're still waiting to hear what kind of tumor it is and that will determine what the next course of action will be.
I've been having some rough days. Being in the hospital with him has been really tough. Neither of his rooms were near L&D, but it was still so similar. The smell. The beeps. The way he looked. I've cried a lot this week, and that's really sucked. Also had my first BFN test - actually two, after AF was two weeks late. Sigh.
One day at a time.
The brother is doing very well - actually out of the hospital today, three days after surgery. They got all of the tumor; we're still waiting to hear what kind of tumor it is and that will determine what the next course of action will be.
I've been having some rough days. Being in the hospital with him has been really tough. Neither of his rooms were near L&D, but it was still so similar. The smell. The beeps. The way he looked. I've cried a lot this week, and that's really sucked. Also had my first BFN test - actually two, after AF was two weeks late. Sigh.
One day at a time.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Thankful Tuesdays #2
I am unbelievably thankful for my dorky,wonderful, supportive, smart, hilarious husband. He is the reason I survive, the thing that wakes me up in the morning (literally and figuratively), and I am a better person because of him. I know that sounds trite, but it's really true. We love each other more than I ever thought was possible.
And how my world has changed in the last few weeks.
Let's see:
Miami and Mexico were great. Beautiful, some great sight-seeing, lots of great singing, only some limited drama from the college kids. Although I think the powers that be wouldn't say "limited" drama....but that's a different story.
May 24 was our six month "anniversary." I feel like I say this every month, but it feels simultaneously like so long ago and like it was yesterday. We've had some pretty bad down days the last week or so. Damn you, poignant TV.
The biggest, worst news, though, is that on May 26 my brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor.
J. is a total jock - we couldn't be more different - and started noticing some problems with his left leg about a month ago. Three doctors and three MRIs later, they discovered a 3 cm long tumor in his brain. Pretty scary shit. We're all pretty freaked out and, seriously, someone up there must think we can handle a whole lot of crap, because this family has really had a bad streak as of late.
He goes in for surgery on June 15th. So now I'm heading to Miami on the 6th for a gig, then directly to Wisconsin on the 14th, then back home on the 19th and out again for three weeks on the 21st. It's going to be crazy, but I really wanted to be home. For him, for my parents, for me, and for her - to support the uncle she never got to know.
Expletive.
Miami and Mexico were great. Beautiful, some great sight-seeing, lots of great singing, only some limited drama from the college kids. Although I think the powers that be wouldn't say "limited" drama....but that's a different story.
May 24 was our six month "anniversary." I feel like I say this every month, but it feels simultaneously like so long ago and like it was yesterday. We've had some pretty bad down days the last week or so. Damn you, poignant TV.
The biggest, worst news, though, is that on May 26 my brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor.
J. is a total jock - we couldn't be more different - and started noticing some problems with his left leg about a month ago. Three doctors and three MRIs later, they discovered a 3 cm long tumor in his brain. Pretty scary shit. We're all pretty freaked out and, seriously, someone up there must think we can handle a whole lot of crap, because this family has really had a bad streak as of late.
He goes in for surgery on June 15th. So now I'm heading to Miami on the 6th for a gig, then directly to Wisconsin on the 14th, then back home on the 19th and out again for three weeks on the 21st. It's going to be crazy, but I really wanted to be home. For him, for my parents, for me, and for her - to support the uncle she never got to know.
Expletive.
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