Good news!

I'm still anemic.  This is not the good news.

However, my hemoglobin levels are up over normal, so our OB/GYN gave us the thumbs up to try again.

I am so relieved.  We're not going to stress over it - no temperature taking/day counting nonsense.  It'll happen when it happens.  Hell, my mom doesn't call me fertile Myrtle for nothing. :)

Just a quick entry - have to get back to packing for two weeks.  In one suitcase.  Yikes.

I love my mom.

She sent me a card and a candle this week - where in the world does she find these cards?  Apparently Hallmark has a grieving mother's day line.  Leave it to my mama.  But the candle is beautiful - I always talk about lighting a candle to remember our Olive, and it's perfect for that.

I really love all of the moms in my life - my own mom, all of my amazing aunts, my grandmas, my friends.  Each one of them helps me every day, whether they realize it or not.  They give me strength.

I'm really dreading this weekend, but I'll be traveling most of the day Sunday, so that's probably good.  I can just put on headphones and block out the world on that five-hour flight.  Ugh.  I'm heading to Miami and then Mexico to sing with Seraphic Fire.  I'm excited, but, as always, worried about leaving my better half for two weeks.  It's training, though, because I'll be gone for a three week gig later this summer.

Thankful Tuesdays

I'm jumping on this bandwagon - I need some positive outlook time. :)

Things I'm thankful for:

1) My extended family.  My husband, my parents, my brother, my grandmothers, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my in-laws - I am so blessed with the most amazing supportive group of people who are my biggest champions.

2) My friends.  I am blessed with the most amazingly varied group of friends - ages, ethnicities, paths of life, from all over the world, many of whom I can call 24-7 to weep, to laugh, to drunk dial (although I haven't done that last one in years, lol).

3) My daughter.  I am so sad that we didn't get to spend more time together, but I am so thankful for the 8 months we had, and I know you're bringing your great-grandpas much joy in heaven.  May Grandpa G. always find ants in your pants and Grandpa S. tell you lots of Oley and Lena jokes - although I hope he hangs onto the inappropriate ones for awhile.

Everyone but us.

I remember a friend of mine making a comment last fall about how so many of her friends were pregnant.  I was one of them.

I can't seem to turn around on Facebook now without someone having a baby or getting pregnant or finding out they're having a little girl.  I've had to start hiding people - I don't begrudge anyone's happiness, it just makes me feel shittier about my lack of it, you know? 

I've had a really rough last couple of days.  Seems like I'm always teary, or snapping at my husband and then feeling terrible about it.  It was something really stupid yesterday - I snapped at him while we were shopping - and then he got really upset, and then I felt like such a bitch.  That's not me; that's not us.  We don't bicker.  But as we're dealing with the stress of all this it creeps in once in a while, and I hate it. 

It's like there's always this anger and unhappiness bubbling inside of me, and when we're busy, I can keep it at bay.  But when I give myself time to think about things - about how unfair this is, about how much I miss her - it just breaks me.  Sometimes it just kills me to look at him - she looked SO much like her daddy, so when he's sleeping or falling asleep or yawning I just see her and I want to crack. 

I'm not worried about us - he is the reason I survive, he is the reason that I can go on and keep living despite this.  But I HATE myself when because I feel shitty I cause him pain.  It's not fair.

Ugh.