Everyone but us.

I remember a friend of mine making a comment last fall about how so many of her friends were pregnant.  I was one of them.

I can't seem to turn around on Facebook now without someone having a baby or getting pregnant or finding out they're having a little girl.  I've had to start hiding people - I don't begrudge anyone's happiness, it just makes me feel shittier about my lack of it, you know? 

I've had a really rough last couple of days.  Seems like I'm always teary, or snapping at my husband and then feeling terrible about it.  It was something really stupid yesterday - I snapped at him while we were shopping - and then he got really upset, and then I felt like such a bitch.  That's not me; that's not us.  We don't bicker.  But as we're dealing with the stress of all this it creeps in once in a while, and I hate it. 

It's like there's always this anger and unhappiness bubbling inside of me, and when we're busy, I can keep it at bay.  But when I give myself time to think about things - about how unfair this is, about how much I miss her - it just breaks me.  Sometimes it just kills me to look at him - she looked SO much like her daddy, so when he's sleeping or falling asleep or yawning I just see her and I want to crack. 

I'm not worried about us - he is the reason I survive, he is the reason that I can go on and keep living despite this.  But I HATE myself when because I feel shitty I cause him pain.  It's not fair.

Ugh.