And....cue face slap.

I've had a insanely busy last couple of days - last concert of the semester, finals/juries, studio party last night - and I've had little time to breathe, let alone process anything.  And have been fine, right?  It's not like I forget, it just becomes not in the forefront.

And then this morning I was sitting here, benignly reading an article, and thinking about how I needed to get in for a lesson again.  I haven't seen this woman for over a year, and I'm not sure how much she knows, so I was thinking about the conversation I'd have to have with her: Well, I've had a pretty traumatic last twelve months.  I got pregnant in March of last year and our daughter was stillborn at 36 weeks in November.

And then I lost it.  DH is giving a final this morning, so it's just me here.  I went in the nursery and sat on the bed (there's a full bed in there), and grabbing the little photo album we have of all of her ultrasounds (and we had a billion).  I was teary, and then got to the last picture, the ultrasound shot of her one week before we lost her, that has a perfect shot of her gorgeous little nose and chin, and I just sobbed.  Sometimes I go in there and just talk to her, and today it was about how my life should be so different now and it's not, and how much I miss her, and how she'll always be my little girl. 

And then I rang the bell - one of my students grew up in Japan, and after Olivia died she gave us a rin (this small bowl-shaped bell) and zabuton (the cushion it sits on) - it's often used in Buddhist prayer and in memory of someone.  She told us that when we're feeling down, to go and ring the bell three times, letting the sound ring, and it's a way to find peace and connection to her soul.  I'm not Buddhist, but I do find comfort in it - it's just basically a form of meditation.  And then I just sat in the room and talked to her more and about how I have to make her daddy fix the painting job he did in there.  :)

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I also finally heard back from the internist this week - she wants me to double the iron dose I'm taking and then check back in three months.  THREE MONTHS.  Ugh.  I should have gotten AF last weekend and still nothing, but once I've completed that (that will be round 2) I'm going to call my OB-GYN and ask what we should do.  If he says we should wait until the anemia thing is better, then that's what we'll do, but argh.

Deep breaths, one day at a time.  That's all I can do.