The background: I'm 32, married to my soulmate. We got pregnant in March of 2009 after only trying for a few months. It was not a difficult pregnancy, despite some concerns with placenta previa, morbid obesity and depression. But it all came crashing down the night of November 23, 2009, when we went into L&D because our precious daughter had been quiet all day and they couldn't find her heartbeat. She was stillborn the next afternoon, with the cord wrapped so tightly around her head and neck that they had to cut it to get her out, in addition to a true knot. She was gorgeous, perfect in every other way, and at 36 weeks, HUGE. 7lbs, 7oz, 20 inches long.
I miss her desperately - I wish I could find words that really, truly described it accurately. There are times that I just feel so empty. So guilty even though logically I know there was nothing I could have done better. I can't hear a baby cry without feeling like the bottom is dropping out of my world.
And worse yet, a student of mine had a perfect little daughter the same day we lost ours. I never saw him at the hospital although my husband did. The few times I've seen his daughter have been the more horrifying, gut-wrenching, heart-squeezing moments that I've ever experienced.
I am trying so hard just to get through every day. I feel like most times I'm succeeding. I just keep telling myself I have to go on being her mom - the same crazy, smartass woman I would have been if she was here or not. She deserves no less - I owe that to her. But that's much easier to say (or write) than do some some days.
Thanks for reading.
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