Eight months.

That's all I have to say about that.

Well, that's not entirely true, but my soul has already gotten its beating today.

Thankful Tuesdays #3

Today, I'm thankful for my marriage.  It's really been through the ringer this year, but I know it's going to be stronger than ever.

This blog is about surviving, right?

And we are.

There has been much crying, and talking, and discussing, and compromising.  And this is good.  I love my husband so much, and I know this isn't him, isn't us, and this relationship is so much bigger than what I know will be a blip on the radar in the long run.  Olivia, of course, will probably remain one of the biggest spikes ever.  As she should.

Stumbled upon Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope today.  I shared it with J., and there was much crying.  But this is a part of the healing.  Maybe at some point we'll submit our story - he's a much better writer than me.

We're coming up on 8 months this weekend.  We're still dealing with firsts, though - first summer since I was pregnant, remembering planning for the school year while being pregnant with Olive, hoping that she'd cooperate and decide to come out after finals in December.  Oh, my sweet Olivia.

Anyhoo.  We've hit a rough patch but I know we're stronger than it.

And...a new wrinkle.

I knew my husband wasn't handling the grieving process well, but I didn't know how much he was hiding from me.

I deleted some details here.  Basically, he's had some inappropriate contact with some women.
I don't know what to do. I'm so angry, so sad, so upset, but I also know that this isn't him. When he told me he was just quiet while I blew up, but when I asked him a few pointed questions later, he broke down and all of this stuff came out.   How he feels inadequate, some things in our marriage he's not been happy about....all of this stuff.

He has an appointment to go see a therapist Monday. There's been lots of screaming and yelling and hugging and crying, and I know we'll get through this.  I'm hurt, but I know this isn't him.  And, frankly, it could have been a lot worse.

Fuck.

Surviving.

My husband was here in Oregon this weekend...so good.  It was just good to finally get to spend a few days with him.

And we met our friends' baby this weekend.  It was sad, and I cried, but I also laughed, and smiled, and played.  She doesn't look like Olivia, she isn't Olivia, but it was still bittersweet.  I'm so grateful to K. and G. for being so amazingly open and honest and forgiving in all of this.

Tears are still on the surface quite a bit, but we've had a good bit of help this week.  One of my friends here is from Portland, and mentioned to a nurse friend of his who works with bereaved parents, and she sent him a bunch of stuff.  Lo and behold, his friend is Pat Schwiebert, the author of Tear Soup and some other things, and runs a program and website.  She sent a VERY sweet note and some books, including Tear Soup.  I cried, but it was good.

I'm here until July 12, but am already looking forward to going home....!!!

And now we're behind.

I wish I could explain all of the thoughts and feelings that rush through me when I find out a friend or student is pregnant.

I'm happy, sad, jealous, angry, wistful, and grieve all over again.  And that doesn't even begin to describe it.

One of my students is 12 weeks, and finally posted about it on Facebook.  I'm very happy for her and her husband - I know they'll be great parents - but my heart and soul just ache.

Is that ever going to stop?

I miss you, my sweet little girl.