I'm getting a little obsessed with TTC. And I HATE that I'm doing that. I keep looking at my body for those subtle changes I noticed in the first seven weeks, hoping to see something.
However.
I don't think this is all my fault. The question I've gotten asked the most this fall is, "Are you guys trying again?" It sorta seems like people think on some level that us having another baby will make our world "normal" again.
To these people, I offer up a hearty FUCK YOU. Another baby will never replace our sweet Olivia. Yes, it will give us a chance to have all of those experiences of having a baby that we didn't get to have with Olive, but another baby will never be Olive. He or she will be his or her own perfectly flawed entity.
I do know, though, that I'm putting pressure on myself. That, when and if AF comes to town next time, I'm going to be heartbroken. And I wish I wasn't doing this - I keep trying to reason with myself, and then I catch myself thinking about it again.
Sigh.
That pressure is brutal. It's so hard not to think about. And no, another baby doesn't bring everything back into some magic equilibrium. Thinking of you and hoping with you.
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