Is that what I think it is?

This is the blog entry that never ends; I've started and stopped a billion entries.  So here's one really long one.

12/17
We had a ultrasound at a maternal fetal specialist on Tuesday - our regular doc just wanted to be safe and have us check in with someone else to see if they had any other ideas of what precautions we should be taking.

So, the tech was doing all of the measurements, and J. asked her if we could "see any junk."  Lawd.  So she tried to look, and we got a big ol' shot of a penis.

So, yes, it's a boy.  And we're very excited.

But.

I've been crying a lot the last few days.  I sort of expected this.

I'm excited for him.  But I don't miss her any less.

12/25

Lost it at church this morning.  At Olivia's memorial service, we played Angels we have heard on high, and they sang it today.  I'd already been a little emotional, but thought I could keep it together.  And then that started and I was done.  DONE.

I've been up and down a whole bunch.  I keep asking J if this is more than normal, if I should be worried, if I need to get into therapy.  But he keeps reassuring me - and he's right - that I was like this with Olivia too.  I was a wreck off and on until I could feel her kicking.  Of course, everything has different weight, different reasons, different sources this time, but the timing is about the same.

The holidays are hard.  I keep thinking about how she'd be, seeing little girls around her age and having to turn away.

1/1

It's a new year.

I'm still out of town for the holidays, but am thinking more and more about having to go through the nursery and all of Olivia's things.  It's going to suck.  A LOT.  I'm going to need at least a day for that - the actual sorting and the aftermath.

I wish I knew how to do this.

It's 1/1/11, and, according to my sad little counter, it's been 1 year, 1 week, 1 month and 1 day since we lost her.  Huh.