14 months was a couple of days ago. I don't think I cried the day of, but I had a hard day yesterday. I wish I understood grieving. I know it's never going to end, but I wish I could prepare myself for the slaps.
I'm 23 weeks with Tuppy this week. Still not a ton of kicking, but it took a long while with Olivia too. Still a long way to go.
I'm having a difficult time reconciling everything. I don't feel like I'm really giving Tuppy the same attention and excitement that I gave Olivia. That makes me feel guilty. But then I start thinking more about him, and then I feel guilty for not thinking about Olivia as much. How does this work? How do I continue to honor her memory and keep her a vibrant part of our lives but still "move on" with my life?
As I'm starting to show more/talking about the pregnancy more with strangers, I always get asked the inevitable, "Is this your first pregnancy?" It makes me wince inwardly every time, but I always say sort of, and then I explain about Olivia. I'm able to do that now without losing it and without invoking too much detail and, if anything, then people leave me alone. You know, stay away from the tainted woman with the dead baby. Or whatever.
One of my best friends is two weeks behind me in this pregnancy. She had a miscarriage almost 5 years ago now, and they have a three-year-old daughter, who is so excited for her little brother. That kills me a bit, too. I am so happy for them - and god knows they've dealt with loss too - but it still kills me a bit.
I keep saying to people that I won't fully exhale until Tuppy is crying in my arms. But then what happens?
Oh Tuppy. So glad for him. And for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm still working on the remembering and "moving on" part. And I still have that last question, "But then what happens" looming overhead. I'm dreadfully afraid of everyone forgetting Lyra, and seeing Simon as our first...even when they know about her.
Thinking of you and sending love. That's a big step to talk to someone about Olivia without losing it in regards to the "is this your first" question. Proud of you. ((hugs))
Sweet Sara, at the risk of sounding super corny, I've found that grief is more a journey than anything else. And it's a really, utterly crappy journey that no one else can really guide you on. That cuts both ways, because it can feel dark and lonely, but it also means that you are allowed to just feel your own way, and figure out what you need to do. It SUCKS, but there it is. Comparing losses is impossible, and I don't pretend to know how hard it must be to face those conversations with it all still so raw for you, but I do definitely understand where you're coming from when you talk about the difficulty and awkwardness of "outing yourself." In my case, I try to throw it out there in passing sort of like, "hey, maybe we could make chicken for dinner mymomisdead. Or we could just go out if you want!" And as for your last question, I'll just quote my mom's mom, who died just before I was born, who apparently told my mom when she was pregnant with me that "parenthood is fearful and wonderful." My mom said she always found that to be true, and that uncertainty was just par for the course. I'm thinking of you from afar and sending hugs. -Janey
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